Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Song of the day (January 23rd):

Camera One by the Josh Joplin Project & Give Wings to my Triumph by Hatebreed.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Morning notes

I ran a measly 2.5 miles today in 20 minutes this morning. I'm pretty weak from not eating for a good chunk of yesterday, and I figured that discretion being the better part of valor, I would stop running rather than passing out on the treadmill. (A thank you to Tara for the 5 am admonition: "Don't push yourself too hard, you didn't eat yesterday." Without that, I might be lying there on the floor of the gym right now.)

Song of the day

"Reach for the Sky" - Social Distortion

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Day 2 - Post Diagnosis

I am extremely tired. My family came to visit today, and I think I’m emotionally worn out from that, but I think it’s the constant worry that gets to me. I’ve got (at least) another day and a half to wait before I get the CT scan done, and as long as 3 more days before I hear the results. I haven’t been able to eat for the last half of the day, I have a pounding headache, and I find myself on the verge of tears at strange times. I suppose that is normal for this type of situation, but it sucks. I’ve found myself on edge a lot more over this past week, and I feel like I’m constantly monitoring myself to try to see if I’m reacting normally or not. I guess this is a process of finding a whole new “normal”.

Some random thoughts from over the past two days: How long has it been growing in there? How much time did I spend happy and unaware? How could I not have noticed something?

Some random things I have noticed over the past two days: I found a thing of chapstick that I got from the Hunstman Cancer center months ago, the Fuck Cancer shirt I bought at the Warped tour this last summer – it’s amazing how the mind starts to string things together as you try to make sense of something like this, and tries to answer the questions I keep asking – Is there some way I could have known? How is it that I ended up the statistic?

Morning notes

So, I went for a workout this morning - 45 minute bike ride (a little over 16 miles), immediately followed by a 15 minute run (2.18 miles). It felt good, and I found my song for the day - Far Behind by Social Distortion. I dedicate it to Butty.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Day 1 - post diagnosis

Ok, so I have cancer. I told Royal last night and Richard today. I spent the entire day wearing my “Fuck Cancer” t-shirt, and singing “Knockin on Heaven’s door.” I’m working on being positive, but I can’t help that all my thoughts revolve around cancer now. I’m nervous about my CT scan – I’m worried that it’s going to have metastasized. If it has, I could be well and truly fucked. I’m hoping it hasn’t – if it is just surgery with no chemo, then I think I can handle it. If I have to start chemotherapy, I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I think I’m in the best part of this I can be right now, when I still feel fine physically I think it is probably a lot easier to deal with. I’m also worried about how I’ll handle this post-surgery. I’ve been thinking about getting “Fuck Cancer” shirts for everyone, or maybe making my own “Die, Butty, Die!” t-shirts. Tomorrow the family is coming down to visit – Momma, Daddy, Lev and Shanna. I still haven’t figured out when/how I’m going to tell Guido. I’m worried about him hearing about this when he is halfway across the world and preparing for his special forces test in the Israeli military. Tara said something the other day that really sticks with me – this has changed our whole lives. From now on, I’ll be someone with Cancer, and after that, a cancer survivor. Huh. You never fucking know, do you?