I am extremely tired. My family came to visit today, and I think I’m emotionally worn out from that, but I think it’s the constant worry that gets to me. I’ve got (at least) another day and a half to wait before I get the CT scan done, and as long as 3 more days before I hear the results. I haven’t been able to eat for the last half of the day, I have a pounding headache, and I find myself on the verge of tears at strange times. I suppose that is normal for this type of situation, but it sucks. I’ve found myself on edge a lot more over this past week, and I feel like I’m constantly monitoring myself to try to see if I’m reacting normally or not. I guess this is a process of finding a whole new “normal”.
Some random thoughts from over the past two days: How long has it been growing in there? How much time did I spend happy and unaware? How could I not have noticed something?
Some random things I have noticed over the past two days: I found a thing of chapstick that I got from the Hunstman Cancer center months ago, the Fuck Cancer shirt I bought at the Warped tour this last summer – it’s amazing how the mind starts to string things together as you try to make sense of something like this, and tries to answer the questions I keep asking – Is there some way I could have known? How is it that I ended up the statistic?
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