Wednesday, January 23rd 2008 - Day 5 - Post Diagnosis

So I spoke with Sean today, and it was a great call. He started out by telling me that we’ve known each other for a long time, and if this was any sort of practical joke, it wasn’t funny. When he realized it wasn’t, he almost broke down. Shortly after though, he offered to come out immediately to be there as support for tomorrows meeting with the surgeon. Just hearing those words was an amazing thing. He told me that I would be ok, and that this was just another thing that God would have to answer for. It’s really hard for me to put into words how much it meant to hear that from a friend. Especially one that is an Orthodox Jew. I’m really pretty lucky. He called back later on in the day with information on the American Ostomy Association – he’d spoken with people there, and found out as much information as he could about support groups, when and why I might have to have one, and stories of people who had lived with them for 40+ years and lived relatively normal lives. And after all this, he said “But it’s not like you’ll be needing it anyway.”

I’m sorry Sean. I’m sorry I wasn’t there when your daughter died. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you like you’re there for me now.

So tomorrow is the sit down with the surgeon, and I’ll find out all the information I can about my options. Lev gave me some great advice today about considering my options other than a permanent bag – he said to remember my quality of life, and not to let them cut as the only option. A good reminder that they cut a lot out of Chris, and it still came back. I’m not looking forward to the prep for the sit down with the surgeon – he is going to do a few examinations of his own when I go in, so I get more “fleet” fun. Nothing like getting to do an enema to really start off the day right….

Tomorrow I also need to call Guido, and I think I’m more worried about that than any other phone call – I hate putting him in that position, and I hate not being able to be there to tell him it’ll be ok. I guess it’s the big brother thing.

Some last thoughts: I think that you never really realize how many people you have that care about you until something like this. I was speaking with some of the people in HR today about this, and they both seemed to be hit pretty hard by the news. I was surprised by it, but it is nice to see. As Tara says, it’s kind of like seeing who would turn out for your funeral without the bother of having to die.

Wish me luck for tomorrow.

Song of the day (Jan 22nd):

Time won't let me go (The Bravery)

Tuesday, Jan 22nd 2008 - Day 4 - Post Diagnosis

Today was a rough one. I had the CT scan and heard some good news – the preliminary finding is that it hasn’t “invaded” the other organs, but that there are some enlarged lymph nodes (7 mm). Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get good news without some bad news to go along, so when my GI doc finally called, I ended up getting out of him that I will most likely have to have a colostomy, with the attendant bag to go along. It also may very well be permanent. That knocked me for a fucking loop. I actually went to the car and cried over that. I thought to myself that I didn’t know if I could actually face the rest of my life like that, but then realized that for Matan and Siena, I could submit to any humiliation for as long as it took. How much will I be asked to take? I hate this. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Some other notes for today: I got an email from the half-ironman people today, a relic from my former life. I’ll most likely have chemo before the surgery. I’ll most likely be in the hospital for nearly a week for the surgery. I spoke with Robert today, and he starts chemo on Thursday. All I want is to hear that I will be able to go back to normal, and it is just not going to happen.

Monday, January 21st 2008 - Day 3, Post Diagnosis

I’ve been spending the majority of the last two days tired. Tara thinks it’s my body trying to avoid thinking about this. I don’t know what to think. I’ve got the CT tomorrow – I’m nervous as hell about it. A little over 12 hours from now and I’ll be in there getting scanned. In about ten hours or so, I’ll finally be getting that call from my doctor to tell me I have cancer. At least I didn’t have to spend all weekend waiting to hear that. On the bright side of things, I don’t feel like I have to worry nearly as much about my cholesterol anymore…

Interlude - March 30th 08

Ok, so it's been a hell of a while since I posted, so here is what I'm going to do, I'm going to start posting all of my previous journal entries starting when I left off. I'm going to try to put up a few every day, but I'll eventually catch up to the present (hopefully before my surgery). I make no promises. Those of you who know me know my procrastination, and hey, I can always blame cancer anyway. Alright, time to post a few - it's been a long ride since I first heard, and it's a trip to read these all now....