Saturday, January 26, 2008 - Day 8 - Post-diagnosis

Today I worked out again – 7 miles biking, 3 miles running, all in about 40 minutes. I’m going to have to stay on top of the working out if I’m going to do Ragnar. I read more about the cancer this morning, and none of it was great news – the medium differentiated cells, the amount that it has grown through the walls – none of these things are good signs, and I’m probably taking this a little too harsh, but the fact that none of the doctors spoke about the actual stage of the cancer or a real prognosis for me is starting to freak me out a little. Of course, Dr. Sklow didn’t really hold back when it came to bad news. He seemed to be all to comfortable telling me that the surgery could end in impotence, and that the radiation would make me sterile, so I guess I should expect that if the prognosis were bad, he would have said it directly.

Dennis (neighbor from across the street) came over to wish me well today. I now find that I can discuss this pretty aloofly (is that a word?) I’ve built up some pretty strong walls about this, and usually I try to get people laughing about it. I’ve seen a lot of people tear up about this, and I guess I have a tough time getting that emotional about it with all but a very few people (my family, Sue, Sean), and every once in awhile, when I get taken by surprise.

I was doing a bit of thinking today about something Lev said. He said that I was probably feeling like it was really unfair – “Why me?” etc… And so far, that hasn’t come up at all. It may be because I don’t really believe that there is a fairness to the universe, and so how can it be unfair, or that I don’t believe there is any method behind what happens, so I can’t really ask “Why me?” It will be really hilarious if my having cancer brings me to my full realization of not believing in God – especially if it doesn’t happen out of anger or frustration.

I think that there are good things to be learned from this experience, and as I was telling Tara today, I think this will be an interesting experience. Maybe not an enjoyable one, but something that I will no doubt learn from, and something that will give me some sort of unique look at life. I think that it will be important to take as much as I can from the experience. To use it rather than letting it use me.

I got a package from Aunt Dana in the mail today – a wool cap, woven from wool that was sheared from my Grandpa’s sheep: Bucky. She sent it with a beautiful card, and in a bag with a Superman symbol on it. I can’t say how wonderful it was to get that. I think this, the kindness of people, the thoughtfulness of those around you, and the sense of support and love that I have from so many around me is a gift. I’m damn lucky to have it, and I need to keep that in mind as I go forward with this. Tomorrow I will call Chris and see how he is doing – from what Lev says, he doesn’t have the luxury of this support that I have.

PS – Lev has been sending me a “metal quote” of the day. I love them.

Must remember to work out again tomorrow. Only a few more days till the chemo appt, and then the rough work starts.